:: mAd wOrLd ::

tears of blood.

Tue, 03 Feb 2004 07:18:41 GMT

i open my eyes, and i see tears of blood.
i close my eyes, but they are petrified.
i sleep only to be woken by fear.
i lie awake from insomnia.
so tired, but
so wired.
someone bring me the key and let me out.
i don't want to care anymore,
cuz no one else ever seems to.
i awake, parched but there is no water to be found.
i want to scream, i want to shout
but i have no voice.
everything close to me is stripped away.
i want to feel safe.
i want someone to tell me, that it'll be okay.
instead, i say nothing again
as the pain insides viciously tears away at me.
Life goes on with or without me.
i can't go on with or without life.
im dying without pain
i have become numb again.

all i want is to be happy,
to be safe, and someone
to show they care

the only constant in life is change.

Mon, 26 Jan 2004 16:29:24 GMT

Life I have lead to believe is very much like backpacking around Europe. At first, it is just you and this large bag which contains the only thing that is familiar to you. The more you venture out the heavier the bag gets. Often more times than not, the bag will be too much for just you to carry. The people along the way, some of which are willing to share the load while others are there to help you not think of it and enjoy the moment. If you are not willing to share your load with others than in the end you will be too exhausted to take in the real beauty of the trip or appreciate the life you had lead. The end for everyone is the same, but looking back all that really matters is whether or not you had an amazing experience or was it a burden. Life is truely what you make of it, and there will be tough times and I believe that the people around you at that time are there for a reason to help you through it. I am the first to admit I can't unload on many people, I don't want to burden anyone cuz everyone seems to have a backpack of their own. But at times others backpacks are not as full as mine and vice versa. I hope that the time that i need to unload that there will be someone willing to help me out.

just read the lyrics.

Sun, 04 Jan 2004 02:47:43 GMT

Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave without leaving a peace of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change the less you feel
Believe believe in me believe
That life can change that you're not stuck in vain
We're not the same we're different tonight
Tonight so bright tonight

And you know you're never sure
But you're sure you could be right
If you held yourself up to the light
And the embers never fade in your city by the lake
The place where you were born
Believe believe in me believe
In the resolute urgency of now
And if you believe there's not a tonight
Tonight so bright tonight

We'll crucify the incinsere tonight
We'll make things right we'll feel it all tonight
We'll find a way to offer up the night tonight
The indescribable moments of your life tonight
The impossible is possible tonight
Believe in me as I believe in you
Tonight tonight

Tonight

-Smashing Pumpkins-

another goodbye...for good?

Fri, 02 Jan 2004 18:03:54 GMT

woke up, i turned on the radio. the song playing sarah harmer-basement appartment on the edge of all stations. wtf? this is going to be brutal and so much harder to deal with than i thought can't shut off my head this time or be numb to it all. too important in my life to forget. wish i said more last night. but i can't wear my heart on my sleeve anymore, everytime i do it just causes more pain. i guess cuz it fully "hasn't hit me yet"

tis the season.

Mon, 22 Dec 2003 19:24:48 GMT

sitting here eating my unsalted peanuts and thinking that this time of year for me if i recall has never been a joyous one. it is about Christ, yes, but it also ends up that something always happens. one year it was almost loosing both my parents, dog dying, opa's surgeries..etc. now this year father is getting tested for cancer and broken homes.

you think of all the people that have crossed your path over the years. some are still with you while others haved faded away. never intentionally but you just fail to keep in touch. i constantly think of everyone that has made an impact in my life from good friends, family to even strangers. grateful for the opportunity of meeting these people but question the reason why some enter for such a short period while some i can keep in contact with and they have lived all over the place.

i recieved a christmas card today from one of my closest friends. her parents are divorcing over the holidays. her father lives in a townhome and she'll visit him whenever her schedule allows it. scary how much can go on in a year. vivid memories of seeing them last year while i was in calgary (which is a whole other vault of memories). appearances are decieving. i have known this family for 13 years and always kept in touch with them from australia to south carolina to alberta.

highschool sweathearts, married and all that jazz. nothing is a sure thing anymore. how do you know if the one you love is really the one and is meant to be with you for a lifetime. i don't ever want to fall in love again, truthfully as soon as you do, you end up getting hurt and i don't think i can go thru that crap of getting hurt again. but then again i don't want to be alone either. *sigh*

Living, the most complicated thing anyone can do but most rewarding if you live up to its potential. All you can do is pray in hopes for some light at the end of the path that you are on.

help

Tue, 09 Dec 2003 21:11:58 GMT

something is different.
what was once seems to have faded.
but when, why and how?
seems like a blink of an eye
that everything around changes instantly.
people constantly coming and going...
i wish i can take one moment in time
and stop it. one time in my life when
i was peaceful, happy and healthy.

______________________________________
today, i feel like i am dying.
my stubborn fighting nature is not prevailling
which is not a good sign for me.
i woke up freezing barely slept three hours
consectively. Not willing to move. Every
bone, muscle aches from fatigue. I can feel
the blood pulsate through my veins like it
is taking every ounce of strength in me to
do. eating is an option that i have not
been interested in partaking in since sunday.
i don't get sick..and never like this.
as much as it hurts, i am forcing myself the
energy to look after my mother who is really ill
while my father is working. stronger willed
than her but its hurting so bad. i will not admit defeat
by this virus (hopefully not phenomina, which is highly
likely..it is all in my lungs). all i want is some tea and a hot bath...but no more energy left for me. passing out.

awww

Wed, 03 Dec 2003 17:28:37 GMT

"I remember lying cuddled into her warm body so tight that we may have appeared as one person. They say the eyes are the gateway to the soul, and tonight I realized why. We stared at each other like our lives depended on it, never uttering one single word. It was so dark you couldnt make out exact facial expression, but what little light there was made her eyes sparkle like diamonds in the darkest of caves. She knew I was smiling and I could feel her smile radiating back. I was so bloody afraid to fall asleep knowing that the second I did, it would be all over. I would wake up and reality would come crashing like a terrible thunder. As the life fell from both of our bodies due to overwhelming exhaustion, I gazed as her eyes finally closed, and felt her body go limp as she fell asleep. The cute little noises her nose made and and moans from under her voice kept me giggling for hours. Kinda wierd how this rare and perfect moment can only be enjoyed by one person. Seems unfair almost. I fought for hours trying not to fall asleep. As the morning light crept in I knew my departure back to the real world grew closer. Each minute as the sun gained height in the sky, felt like a knife into my soul. I wanted to hold her forever. I wanted the world and everything in it to just stop or cease to exsist. I never wanted this moment to end. I knew for me, this was my heaven. As I lay holding her in the light of 6am, her eyes lids started to flutter and that thunder called reality came crashing louder than it had ever been before. By 6:30am I had left, and was on my way to work..... "

just for kicks

Mon, 01 Dec 2003 18:38:53 GMT

anyone need a good laugh..check out foamy.

http://www.illwillpress.com/rant.html

weird.

Mon, 01 Dec 2003 18:35:51 GMT

out of no where, i close my eyes and i see snow covered peaks on a clear sunny day from a distance. then recall what it was like to be near them. the feeling of being near something so incrediable. remembering the drive through the tall evergreens lightly dusted with the white powder. all around snow..like a winter wonderland. nothing but breathtaking skies, transparent blue/green water and clean crisp air.

*sigh*

too short of a day and too soon gone.

one forwrad i opened..

Sat, 22 Nov 2003 00:12:24 GMT

Does Heaven have a phone number???

Mommy went to Heaven,

But I need her here today,

My tummy hurts and I fell down,

I need her right away,

Operator can you tell me how

To find her in this book?

Is heaven in the yellow part,

I don't know where to look.

I think my daddy needs her too,

At night I hear him cry.

I hear him call her name sometimes,

But I really don't know why.

Maybe if I call her,

She will hurry home to me.

Is Heaven very far away,

Is it across the sea?

She's been gone a long, long time

She needs to come home now!

I really need to reach her,

I simply don't know how.

Help me find the number please,

Is it listed under "Heaven"?

I can't read these BIG BIG words

I am only seven.

I'm sorry operator,

I didn't mean to make you cry,

Is your tummy hurting too,

Or is there something in your eye?

If I call my church maybe they will know.

Mommy said when we need help that's where we should go.

I found the number to my church tacked up on the wall.

Thank you operator,

I'll give them a call.

two cents

Thu, 06 Nov 2003 06:49:23 GMT

To be one that lives and not one that is living.
Future is uncertain, but not unattainable.
Those who strive to figure out life,I've never fully
grasped that whole concept. If you have figured out
life and your destiny, what is the purpose of
life anymore. I love the uncertainity that
life brings. I like not knowing where I will
be in a year and with whom. I leave all doors
open. Often it makes it hard for me to decide
but at least I can say I have options.

I don't see things the way most do, why is that?
I can say I see the big picture in situations and
do not see things in black and white and take
it for the shallowness that it is. I don't act like
I am better than anyone, I am just me. Different, yes
but really everyone's uniqueness is what makes us
all alike in the ideal of being different.

I run when I get too close to someone. Fear of being
hurt. Fear of trusting and letting down my guard. I
rather write how I feel than say it sometimes. I find
even thou I am outgoing, I am only truely myself around
a select few. I don't fall in love easily. If I have ever
said it to anyone, it is huge. I'd do anything I can for
anyone..but very little me-time. Never regret my
actions as everything happens for a reason. There is
always a list of what you want to be achieving or
doing, ultimately that is what separates those
that live from those who are living.

allnighters...

Wed, 29 Oct 2003 06:06:20 GMT

to some allnighters are never fully understood.
while others love allnighters.
for me, it is for one the most peaceful time of day.
no one "snapping at your heals", you do what you want.
all the chaos and stupiditiy of everyday life is still,
almost feels as thou you are frozen in time. the world
stops and you are still going. the most creative part
of the day for me. listening to some ros or bjork and seeing
what i come up with. it is the one of the few moments in life that i can take for me...and i love it. sure you sacrifice sleep...but once in a while it is so needed, for
one's own sanity..since i can't just drop things now and leave tomorrow..it keeps me grounded. off to go watch Donnie
Darko, finally got it back. weeeee! too bad you were not my neighbour crystal...we would get along so well, seeing as neither one sleeps :D

Sat, 25 Oct 2003 23:41:06 GMT

be what they want you to be.
say what they want you to say.
look as they want you to look.

when will we wake up.
when will we be origional.
when will we be true.

a certain style, trend or genre.
we all participate.
few are actually different.
few manage to think outside the box.
few can still smile and have fun.

omit your regulations.
omit your limitations.
do something for yourself
something that will make you smile
something with someone who holds the same ideals
and who wants to go that extra mile.

symbolic white horse

Sun, 12 Oct 2003 14:18:35 GMT

sunday morning i'm waking up. cutting it close on the coffee cup. don't even know whose bed i'm in. where do i start where do i begin....-chemical brothers
got some wikkid ideas for some new pieces...a lil different but if it works out going to be pretty cool. this week nothing too exciting working like mad. one day off this week and next. all good thou, can use the cash. meh, that is all. happy thanksgiving.

some days you really shouldn't get out of bed..

Wed, 08 Oct 2003 04:36:35 GMT

last night i had the best sleep ever in my life. i came home and passed out with sigur ros playing. surprising i recall even that. guess i was somewhere else mentally..all good.but alas, i went to work for 3 hours (hardly worth it but it was a nice change from the 12 hours i have been doing)..ride home, i run into *bud*. heart stops and you freeze. he walks me home and informs me that he is residing at his parents again and wants to hang out. it has been two years...should i start this up again? as friends and nothing more, possibly. but if it does happen, it prolly would not stop there and that i can't go thru again.

mind altering experiences

Wed, 01 Oct 2003 03:43:06 GMT

Staring at a pic of "Voice of Fire" on the computer which by no means will ever come close to justify the real life experience of seeing this optical illusion in person. But at the same time it does work. This particular painting is said to be the modern burning bush of Moses and you can see God's flame. The actual painting is 18 feet high and 8 feet wide and fascinating. Kept in the Gallery in Ottawa in which went for 1.8 billion dollars.

Been thinking a lot lately, so I began a list of the top ten things that I want to achieve in my life. Some will not happen over night. Primarily, it is places I want to go and what I want to see and do. Not career driven but rather for personal achievements...may share them with some, but rather not, that way no one will no where i'll go ;).

"there are painters who transform the sun to a yellow spot, but there are others with the help of their art and intelligence transform a yellow spot into the sun" -said by the migration of ppl after the Great Depression.

some good old R&R

Sun, 28 Sep 2003 23:36:35 GMT

Sunday..
chillin, drawing, making cds and downloading some new beats. started to read "The Grapes of Wrath" again (actually finish it this time ;)). Staying in, a foreign concept for me lately. But I am liking it a lot (so far). Saves money and lets me work on some projects. Sleepy which means one thing..i'm getting sick. quick where is my echineatia..Need more coffee.
out.
-jenn
ps. anyone renting out lofts?

ps.

Sat, 27 Sep 2003 00:18:14 GMT

check out this site..www.explodingdog.com

sleeping without dreams.

Sat, 27 Sep 2003 00:17:19 GMT

its friday night. i am exhausted. 5:30 am mornings and working till 6 pm are bruts. i don't think i'll get use to this routine. if only i could sleep at night ;). being kidnapped at 9 tonight. don't know where or what i am doing..this could be trouble.lol. on a positive note, meeting some dude on sunday (blind dates grrr, lol) only cuz i've turned him down 3 times this week..felt bad. he's cute, smart and funny..we shall see. other than that a chillin weekend ahead. im out.

oh so sweet.

Mon, 22 Sep 2003 23:00:31 GMT

well, fully recovered from the alcohol poisoning. gut feeling disappeared. and as far as i know i am normal, as normal as i can get. took a stab at some interior designing today. i designed a lady's bathroom and basement with a bar and studio. she loved it and by the end of the day i scored a part-time position in communications for the next 4 weeks. one week out of my old department and i am kicking ass at what i do.

all part of my plan ;) life has been pretty sweet. although my opa is fading fast. his mind is going..not a good sign..my gut feeling, that was it. wait and see..as i always do.

and what is up with friendster..every guy i met on there..just wants to fuck. not cool. and now there is another one who wants to meet up on thurs. waste of time? they all seem cool in the beginning, then turn out to be all the same in the end. grrrr. not like i would ever consider dating peeps from the internet, but it be cool to meet someone that is not just trying to get into yer pants.

peace.

Sat, 20 Sep 2003 00:47:59 GMT

alcohol poisoning last night. something i do not ever wish upon anyone. haven't been able to sleep in the past two nights. have a horrible painfully unsettling gut feeling and can't shake it. only if i knew what it is.

My Grapes of Wrath

Thu, 18 Sep 2003 01:49:50 GMT

how long would it take
to drop off the earth
to cut all ties
to begin a new life of rebirth.

you came into my life.
and still i question why.
helped me through all this strife.
and to you, i could never lie.

you, i admired for your beliefs and morals
you hooked me with your energy.
you believed in me, to be.
and pushed me to achieve.
challenged me to go further,
to trust and believe.

for some reason, i can't stop caring.
you out of my life would kill more than life itself.
so why do you still have that bearing
on me and myself.

always there in the back of my head.
random sub-conscience thoughts make me smile.
a shared memory;something you've said,
or simply your crazy funky style.

i realize that i won't be convenient for someone.
to pick up the pieces after it is all said and done.
am i just security
or do u actual care about me?

who are you?
do you still believe in your beliefs?
do you still value your true friends?
i don't know you anymore.
and that is where it ends.

pb&j for the soul

Tue, 16 Sep 2003 19:14:14 GMT

life is not worth worrying about..

you have two options in life..either you are sick or you are well. if you are well you have nothing to worry about. and if you are sick, you have two options. one, you will get better, thus you have no worries or two, you will die. but when you die you will either go to heaven and have no worries or you will go to hell. if you go to hell you will be too busy saying hi to your friends and everyone that you will know to have any worries. so enjoy life :D

boredum sucks

Sun, 14 Sep 2003 02:17:19 GMT

weekends off are pointless when everyone else you know works..grrr. aw well, it is 10:20pm. I am off to toronto to see some peeps. peace.

my stories...

Sat, 13 Sep 2003 02:17:36 GMT

coolest thing i heard today:

the real J.C is chillin with J.C..for those that have lived so sheltered all their lives..the man, Johnny Cash. (by truthexplosion)

useless knowledge that everyone is intitled to:

IKEA catalogs are the second most published book in the world. number one, the BIBLE. how sad is society. this fact is actually rather depressing.

good deed for today:

saw an older man trip over the curb, went over and helped him up and asked if he needed me to call medical assistance or a family member. then walked him to the bus. talked for a bit till it arrived, then went to work. common topic..johnny cash.

bad deed for today:

i think i may have got the new guy fired, on my last day there. who knows. i say it as i see it and they asked my opinion. something to which i believe they value.

deja vu big time today:

like i have lived it or just dreamt it. saw things unfold, it was rather cool. and i almost could control a different outcome than what would have happened, which in itself is a strange feeling. cuz it is more like you are playing with fate.

spiritual moment:

waiting for the bus tonight after work, around 8pm. thinking about "the end" how would i react, will i go to heaven, will i be strong enough to hold my own when things are crashing around me, where would i want to be and with who. will it come soon or not in my lifetime. who knows. would you want your kids subjected to that life. but it could happen many years from now and ultimately someone is going to have to deal. you can't control or shelter what your kids will go thru. you have to trust them in the hands of God. raise them tuff and independant and they'll be fine. just look at me. lol, kidding. had no choice but to become independant. don't ask for help (even when needed) cuz i don't want to be a burden. don't like handouts cuz i feel like a freeloader. blah blah blah..meh.